I Want More Than Just Your Drunken Love
by Miss Emily Strange
Summary: A longer story based on my previous songfic, "You only tell me you love me when you're drunk". Sanzo spends increasing amounts of time drunk, and says his fair share. But is what he says true? Or just words with no meaning?
1. Chapter 1

**Right, well this is written for those who read and reviewed my songfic titled "You only tell me you love me when you're drunk" THANK YOU GUYS!!!**

**It will be much longer and with more plot, also when it comes to the chapter that should contain the song, it will most likely be changed, keeping the theme but done in a slightly more emotional manner.**

**If you read my songfic THANK YOU! If you havn't dont worry, you dont need to since this is the longer version and will have the songfic bit in it later.**

**I changed the title and this one is all mine, no stolen lyrics here, however the characters still aren't mine -shakes fist-**

**P.S The lyrics that go with the chapter belong to the Petshop Boys

* * *

**Chapter 1 - "_What a performance tonight..."_

"Sir! I think you've had enough."

"Enough?! I'll decide when I've -hic- had enough!"

The small bar of a barely larger Inn was in complete silence as this scene progressed, the onlookers remaining still as the outbursts from the man got louder and louder with each confrontation of his drinking.

"I'm not no nearly drunk enough! You… you…"

"My my… Sanzo lost for insults? You must be quite drunk."

The monk turned a glazed eye to the door where four… no… two figures stood.

"I must say Sanzo," the red head spoke now, "even I don't get this plastered if I can help it, it's just embarrassing."

"Yes, and doing so for this many nights at a time? It's very unhealthy."

"Shuddap Hojyo… and you Gakkai, I'm -hic- fine."

He wasn't fine. They knew this. It had been a few weeks since the last time, but Sanzo had gotten into the habit of getting absolutely stark raving drunk for anything up to seven nights in a row. It was becoming very problematic as the progress on their journey, was reaching an almost non existent stage. They would spend days, sometimes over a week in one place and when they were away from a town and a good supply of alcohol, Sanzo became, if possible, even more angry and violent.

"Is Sanzo drunk again?" The young mans voice shot through the monk's drunken haze like a bullet and a large grin appeared on his face… yes… a grin… on Sanzo's face. This was the other reason that Gojyo and Hakkai were getting increasingly worried. Along with the excessive drinking, Sanzo had developed another interesting characteristic while drunk… which was a strange attachment to Goku.

"Sorry about this barkeep," Goku said calmly as the monk stumbled over, towards him, "I'll take him back to his room now." Sanzo fell on the boy, arms around his neck.

"Hello Goooku!" The young man patted the blonde's back gently, taking an arm to support him.

"Hello Sanzo, I think you've had enough to drink, how about we head back to our room now eh?" The monk nodded vigorously, still grinning.

"Hey Goku," Gojyo grabbed the boy's arm, "you sure you'll be ok? One of us can stay with him tonight if you want."

"No it's ok," Goku said, smiling gently at Gojyo's worried expression, "you know what he'll be like if either of you stay with him." They nodded… they remembered the incident just over a month ago, when they had been thrown out of their Inn at three in the morning due to Sanzo's actions. "I'll be fine." He smiled again.

"Well, you know where we are if anything happens," Hakkai reminded him kindly, "just give us a call ok?"

"Yes Hakkai, good night guys." The young man left, supporting the apparently if not technically older man as they climbed the stairs to the rooms above. Gojyo turned to his dark haired companion,

"He's got your smile you know."

"Yes… I noticed."

"What are we going to do?"

"What can we do?" Hakkai answered in a tone that no one but Gojyo would have recognised as sad, "Sanzo's too stubborn to admit anything while sober, and Goku's too hopeful to believe he doesn't mean it at all. All we can do is wait and hope Sanzo realises what he's doing to that boy, before he destroys him."

**Authors Note: **There! Done! Review if you like it and if so I shall keep on writing. I'm not sure how long this will be... definately more than three chapters since they are quite short. And how do we feel about a sex scene? Good idea? Or just veryvery wrong? This is still very much in the developing stage lol.


	2. Chapter 2

**WOO! I have finally figured out how to get that line across between author intros and notes lol. Anyway here's chapter 2, written at school while I SHOULD have been doing my biology coursework, my friend sitting next to me reading as I type this agree's, HI SOPHIA! **

**Anyway! I just wanted to say something that I believe is important for pulling off this pairing in this way. First of all Sanzo is going to be WAY out of character due mainly to the booze, and also because if he wasn't, this would be much harder. Secondly, Goku may act like a child, but he is eighteen... well technicly he's 518 BUT mentally he should still be about eighteen. He is slightly more mature here than in the earlier saiyuki books, and since Sanzo is only about 21 than there is only really a three year difference (despite being refered to as an old man i do believe Sanzo is younger than Hakkai and Gojyo, i'm not sure but i'm going to check when i get home and correct myself in the next chapter.) I DISCLAIM ALL RIGHTS TO THE CHARACTERS AND LYRICS duh...**

**SO! Enough of that, hope you enjoy this chapeter!**

* * *

Chapter 2 - _"Should I react or turn off the light..."_

Goku kicked open the door of their two person room and struggled to get Sanzo inside. When this had been achieved, he led the stumbling blonde over to the nearest of the two single beds and gently lowered him down, then started the inevitable battle of convincing Sanzo to let go.

"Come on Sanzo," Goku said as he tried to pull his arm away, "let go and I'll go fetch you another blanket, it's quite cold tonight." This only resulted in the monk tightening his grip and mumbling some kind of incoherent protest. Goku sighed and sat down on the bed, propping his legs up and allowing Sanzo to snuggle against him. Minutes passed in silence and Goku listened as the monks breathing got slower as he drifted gently into sleep.

"Goku…" He mumbled sleepily, "I love you." Goku didn't even react and the words were left to hang in the air around them as Sanzo dropped gently into the final realm of the subconscious. Goku pulled his arm free but remained where he was, letting his thoughts take over and memories to resurface. This same routine had been taking place at varying intervals with only occasional differences in what was said and done. This first time had been about three months ago, when Sanzo had gotten very, _very _drunk for no apparent reason. Goku closed his eyes to better remember the events, they had been at an inn and Sanzo had picked a fight in the bar…

"_What'd you say monk!" _

"_I said you're a fuckin' stupid prick and that you should go fuck yourself 'cause no one else will!"_

He hadn't heard what caused the fight, but under influence, Sanzo was not controlling the situation very well. Goku had tried to intervene but to no avail…

"_Sanzo I think we should leave."_

"_Fuck no… this prick started it." _

"_But Sanzo…"_

"_Not until he apologises!"_

Fortunately Hakkai and Gojyo turned up to help…

"_Goku, take Sanzo to his room now please."_

"_Yeah, we'll deal with this guy if he tries anything."_

"_Go on."_

Sanzo had been coaxed away from the fight and Goku had helped him upstairs to what was initially going to be Hakkai and Sanzo's room. Goku had gotten him to sit down and began asking him about the fight…

"_Why did you yell at him like that Sanzo? You usually say guys like that aren't worth your while." _

"_He pissed me off."_

Goku had been getting ready for bed, taking off his cape and boots to leave him in his trousers and shirt.

"_What did he say about you?" _

"_He didn't say anything about me." _

Goku had been confused and had looked up from where he was to meet those incredible violet eyes…

"…_what do you mean?"_

"_He said something about you."_

Goku still remembered the way his heart had twisted in his chest at the possible, unsaid meaning behind those words. He had pulled his eyes away from the sincere stare, telling himself he had misunderstood and that Sanzo couldn't mean anything more than that by insulting him, the man had indirectly insulted Sanzo as well. Still, he had asked anyway…

"_Why would that piss you off?"_

Goku had been reaching towards the light switch on the wall…

"_Because I love you."_

And he froze. Goku remembered his hand, still outstretched, trembling as all manner of emotions coursed through him. He hadn't known what to do or think, part of him said that it was the alcohol, part of him weakly argued that he had misheard or misunderstood, part of him didn't understand having the naivety of the young, part of him understood all too well having the wisdom of the old, and part of him was screaming at the top of his voice… _I love you too! And always have!_

But as he turned to say… he didn't really know what, his gold eyes met with closed lids. Sanzo had drifted into a drunken sleep, and Goku had missed his chance. He had remained standing for what could have been seconds or hours, he had finally turned off the light and climbed into his own bed, he had spent a sleepless night wondering what had happened, he had finally drifted off only to be met with troubled dreams, and he had been woken in the early hours by a hung over, angry Sanzo, who didn't remember a thing.

Goku suddenly realised that his face was wet. Scrubbing angrily at the tears he slid off the bed, carefully so as not to wake the monk, and went to the joining bathroom to get ready for bed.

* * *

**Author's note: Sorry Hakkai and Gojyo fans! But don't worry the next chapter will have lots of them in I promise! Please review and tell me what you think for I need feedback to get better! **


	3. Chapter 3

**Right! CHAPTER THREE IS HERE! Sorry for the delay, this was a really hard chapter to write because so very little happens... seriously... this is a really dull chapter... BUT! Hakkai and Gojyo fans rejoice! Cause it's all for you guys **

**Well I do have to say that I apologise for my mistake in the authors notes of the last chapter, and thanks to lolli.pop9 for kindly pointing out that Sanzo is 23 and Gojyo and Hakkai are 22... silly me had them the wrong way round . **

**Anywhooo please read and enjoy, and review if you like... if you dont... then... well I dont know, review anyway?**

**No ownage of characters, just kidnappage and manical manipulation...age**

**

* * *

**Chapter 3 – "_Looks like you're picking a fight in a blurring of wrong and right…" _

Hakkai was perched on the edge of one of the two single beds, staring at the opposite wall thinking… just thinking… they were such an active group so one of them had to think rather than act blindly. He was observing the cracked plaster with very unnecessary interest, not really seeing the discoloured crevices at all but instead the events that had led to where they were now. Crushed together with such haste there had been no time to fill in the cracks, which were now rapidly getting larger and deeper. The door to the room opened and Hakkai was interrupted. He turned his head ever so slightly so he could watch the tall redhead walk in, Gojyo collapsed into a chair near to the bed with an exasperated sigh.

"How are things in there?"

"Fine. Sanzo's asleep and Goku's just about to go to bed himself."

"That's not what I meant."

"I know." Gojyo leaned back and looked up at the ceiling, studying the complex pattern made from leaks in the pipe work above the room, much like Hakkai's cracks in the wall. "It's… distant," he replied finally, "tense but in a weird way." Gojyo closed his eyes but Hakkai didn't say anything, he could tell the kappa wasn't finished and was just gathering his thoughts. "There's something very different about Goku…"

"I would have to agree with you, he has matured significantly in these last few months."

"I know what you mean…but don't you think it's something else?" mused Gojyo, resuming his gaze on the ceiling, "More like… the childishness has been forced out?"

"What makes you say that?"

"Well… his eyes, they've just lost their shine y'know?" Hakkai did know, he'd been thinking along the same sort of lines earlier on. "I just wish I knew what was wrong with him." Hakkai had an idea, but remained quiet. He couldn't bring himself to speak his thoughts on the matter, because that brought what was happening too close to his own heart for comfort.

"Maybe you should talk to Goku." Hakkai suggested, although most of Hakkai's suggestions were heeded whether the others agreed with him or not. A deep chuckle was the redhead's response to this particular proposal,

"Me? Talk to the monkey? What makes you think he'd tell me anything? Plus you know what we're like; we'll just fight over something stupid."

"Well you said yourself that he has changed; you two haven't fought properly for quite some time, maybe he'll listen."

"Yeah… maybe." Hakkai smiled gently as he looked at Gojyo, whose brow was furrowed with worry and his scarlet eyes drawn into a thoughtful frown. Despite being a cocky, smoking, drunken, gambling pervert most of the time, Hakkai was well aware of Gojyo's good side, the kind protective part that shone through when needed. He chuckled quietly and at the noise Gojyo looked over at him eyebrow raised. "Something funny?"

"Not really," Hakkai smiled again, although this one was a little different, "I was just thinking, of back when I lived with you… and that before Sanzo began this strange new pastime of his, we hadn't shared a room in quite a while."

"Ah yeah… good times eh?" The silence that followed was far from uncomfortable as the two men drifted into their memories; however they made sure to resurface pretty quickly as they were both aware that the sea of their thoughts was plagued with more demons than the world they fought to save. Since changing the subject completely would be far too obvious, Gojyo instead resumed their previous one.

"So what do you think is up with the monkey? You'd think after how hard he tries to get Sanzo to praise him he'd be delighted with what's happening."

"Perhaps Goku is confused because of the form the praise comes in." Hakkai suggested. At Gojyo's obviously clueless expression he continued, "I mean, maybe he realises that because Sanzo is drunk when he gives praise, that there's a possibility he doesn't mean it. However this upsets him because he really wants to believe it, so ends up being torn by what he wants to be happening and what is really happening."

"I… still don't really get it." Hakkai shook his head,

"Look, it's like you being introduced to a really attractive woman after not having any sex for years, then finding out that she's actually a man."

"Oh…"

"But even if we assume that's the case, we're still left with the problem of not knowing what on earth is the matter with Sanzo."

"Yeah, I mean I know he's not the holiest of monks, but drinking to_ this_ extent just isn't like him, especially when it slows out mission down as much as it has."

Hakkai nodded in agreement and the pair of demons (but not quite) continued their conversation, agreeing on, disagreeing on, discussing and suggesting various explanations for the strange behaviour of their friends. They talked late into the night on these matters of a monkey, a monk, and occasionally a moth that was flying around the room with an unnatural air of sheer determination.

* * *

**There you go, hope you liked it! And if anyone noticed a significant link between the quote from the song (which belongs to the petshop boys, just another reminder)and the chapter... then message or review me with it... cause I honestly forgot about it and it makes me feel bad :(**


	4. Chapter 4

**HELLO! I deeply apologise for the long wait. I was away for half term and have also had a LOT of schoolwork to get done. A level... is... HORRID! Especially biology coursework... and all the essays... -cries-**

**Well to make up for the wait this is a LONG chapter. My longest yet:D Over 1500 words! Which is nothing compared to Sorryll's but nevermind! **

**Also something VERYVERY important. Sorryll is writing a conjoining piece to this, but focussing on Gojyo and Hakkai rather than Sanzo and Goku. Both will make sense without the other but you can read them together if you wish. Her first chapter happens partly during my chapter two and partly after my chapter three... If you get confused let us know and i'm sure we can figure something out. Her username is Sorryll and check out her** **story is** **called Asphyxiation so GO LOOK! **

**right, I dont own them, never will. Now thats sorted here's chapter 4!!**

* * *

Chapter 4 – _"How your mood changes, you're a devil, now an angel, suddenly subtle __and solemn and silent as a monk…" _

"Good morning Goku!" The boy in question almost jumped out of his skin as the redheaded kappa came bounding into the room, all smiles and friendliness.

"Gojyo? What are you doing up so early?"

"Could ask the same of you," Gojyo pointed out, "you're not usually up before midday either, unless you smell breakfast."

"Yeah well…" Goku glanced over at the bed which still contained Sanzo's sleeping figure, amazingly not disturbed by the noise. Gojyo smiled gently, but replaced it with his cheeky grin as Goku's gaze returned to him.

"Well since the monks still asleep we should get going and let him rest." Goku pulled a knife from behind a pineapple and swiftly chopped up a carrot for his evening soup

**MATT! Get off my keyboard! Sorry about that people, let's try that again shall we?**

"Well since the monks still asleep we should get going and let him rest." Goku made a rather reluctant face, his eyes flitting back to the sleeping figure.

"But… what if he wakes up and wants to move on?"

"Don't worry, you know Sanzo, if he wanted to move to another town we'd be up and going by now. Besides, I'm sure he's going to have a hangover bad enough to keep him in bed all day." At his words there was a loud grunt from the bed and the covers shifted as though someone had just pulled them further over his head. "Ah, speak of the devil." Gojyo wandered over to the misshapen lump of blankets that was Sanzo and prodded it. "Oi! Mr droopy eyes!" A gun appeared from the tangle of fabric, pointing itself dead between his scarlet eyes.

"Fuck off… damn kappa." Gojyo smiled nervously and backed away from the bed.

"Well someone's in a worse mood than usual, take it we won't be moving off today then?" No answer. The gun receded back into the covers as they were pulled further up over the hung-over monk.

"Take that as a no then, well come on Goku!" The redhead grabbed the younger boy by the wrist and pulled him towards the door.

"Wha?! Where are we going?"

"There's a nice restaurant I noticed when we first arrived and it looks great, I nabbed Sanzo's card last night and I'm taking you for some breakfast." Goku was now very confused. This was the second of his group who was now acting strangely out of character and it was worrying him slightly. But still he allowed himself to be dragged away, down the stairs, out of the inn and along the main street into town. In the now quiet room that they left behind, the silence was disturbed by the rustle of covers being pulled down as a pair of violet eyes fixed themselves on the door. An almost sad sigh. The eyes vanished.

* * *

"So," Gojyo spoke through an increasingly growing pile of plates to the young man behind it, "your appetite seems fine." He received only an incoherent grunt in reply so was left to desperately try and fumble for a new conversation which would, hopefully, get Goku to open up a bit. Five minutes and eight plates later he gave up and addressed the problem head on. "So… what do you think is wrong with Sanzo?" He may as well have announced he was giving up smoking from the reaction, the constant clashing of moving plates abruptly stopped, the loud noises of abnormally fast chewing ceased to be heard and the whole area behind the pile of crockery lapsed into silence. Gojyo peered around the side of the looming pillar of dishes; having never known his companion to be so quiet he was wondering if the monkey had somehow escaped under cover of table wear. Goku was still there however, staring down at his partially eaten yakitori, golden eyes averted to hide some emotion that his body wasn't already betraying. 

"I don't know." His voice was small and sad, harbouring a tone of uselessness and despair that Gojyo hadn't heard in Goku for quite some time. "He's never been like this, never drunk like this, never…" his words faded away and Gojyo signalled for some waiters to dispose of the inhibiting pile of plates that still resided on the table.

"Well… maybe that doesn't matter," Goku showed almost no sign of having heard that Kappa at all, but just a slight twitch showed Gojyo that he was heading on the right track, "maybe what we need to worry about most, is how it's affecting you."

"What do you mean?" The voice was stronger, but still had a slight tremor to it.

"You know what I mean Goku. You've been acting differently, not in a bad way mind, less arguing over food, less fights in the back seat, you've been acting a lot more mature… but that doesn't mean it's a good thing to happen if the cause of this change is distressing you." Goku remained silent, light brown hair sticking up around the glinting gold of his diadem, eyes still staring down at the table, shoulders raised up showing a slight defence which Gojyo intended to break through. "What is it he does that upsets you Goku?" He asked gently, "because you're not just concerned, you're truly upset, which makes no sense considering how nice he is to you."

"You don't get it." Goku was trembling now, fists and teeth clenched and Gojyo wondered if he had pushed too far too quickly. Why hadn't Hakkai done this! He was much better at it. "You just don't get it!" The restaurant was empty. Sanzo wasn't here. Goku was almost ready to break. It was now or never.

"Then tell me."

Goku was shaking even more now. Gojyo wanted to comfort him somehow but didn't know how to. All he could do for the moment, was sit and listen.

"Sanzo's always been hard to understand, hard to figure out… hell I don't think _he_ knows how he feels most of the time… and even if he did I doubt he'd ever admit to anything." Goku's shoulders were slowly beginning to drop as he got sucked into his own description and his walls began to crumble. "But over these last few months it's been… worse… so much worse. He'll be mean to me, like he usually is in most ways ya know… hitting me with that damn fan and shouting at me for one reason or another and most of the time I just accept it as he's having another bad day… but sometimes it's different, sometimes it feels like he really means it, really hates me." His voice cracked as he said this and Gojyo suddenly felt a swirl of hatred for the priest, who never considered how his actions affected Goku, how it affected them all. "But then he'll go get drunk and it all changes. He'll suddenly be so nice to me, weird nice but still nice. He'll say I'm good, that I'm worthwhile, that he," Goku stumbled slightly over his words, "…needs me. It always makes me feel great when he does that, makes me feel more than just the stupid monkey that can't do anything. Like I'm actually useful in some way."

Gojyo almost couldn't stop himself from saying something to that, but what could he say? It wasn't just Sanzo, all of them treated him like a child, although it was mainly because he often acted like one. But there were times, when it was needed, that Goku showed his true maturity. Maybe if they had given him a chance, instead of thrusting these childlike qualities onto him, maybe if they had allowed him to grow he would, rather than remaining as childlike as they always told him he was. Maybe if they weren't all so selfish and desperate to keep some innocence in their lives...

"But the worst part," Goku continued, "is the day after he's drunk. After he sobers up. Because then he never says anything." his fists clenched in his lap as the words spilled out, the emotion almost audibly tearing through him. "I'm left not knowing what he thinks of me. I don't know whether it's him who praises me or just the alcohol, whether he cares for me or hates me. I don't care if he does hate me because that wouldn't really change anything. But not knowing one way or another is tearing me apart!" In this burst of emotion Goku wrenched himself out of his seat bringing the table with him, throwing it to one side as though it was nothing and causing Gojyo to jump hurriedly back. To any outsider this would probably look like a fighting stance, the young man standing perfectly still now, stiff with his hands clenched by his sides and the older man opposite, tense and ready to move, waiting, and wondering what the next move would be… until…

-drip-

-drip-

Gojyo's body slowly relaxed as he stared at his young friend with an expression of deeply surprised concern.

"Goku…"

Shining golden eyes looked up at him, shining from the tears that were falling from them, dropping onto the floor. The tears that were still forming in the golden pools, glittered around the emotion that was in them, the emotion Gojyo had been trying to determine for this whole conversation, an emotion he knew so well and recognised instantly.

Love.

* * *

**There! Hope you liked it, and if you have any problems with reading Sorrylls joint story just message and let us know and we'll figure out a way to make it easier. **

**By the way if you were wondering, yakitori is a meast skewer dish and is one of my favourites to have ay Wagamamas **


	5. Chapter 5

**Yeah.... it's been a while ^^;; MANY apologies, I had a lot of work to do and then I just never got round to writing the rest of it. If you've kept checking then i thank you for your commitment! If you havnt then i really dont blame you.  
****Better late than never though eh? Lets just hope i've become a better writer in the 11 months i havnt updated this thing.... Hope you like it, i still have the origional written plan and will be sticking to that. This is only a short chapter... nothing much really happens in this one or the next one, but I have high hope for chapter 7 :D Please read and review, oh... and the usual disclaimers, none of the characters are mine, nor are the lyrics yadda yadda, ENJOY! **

* * *

  
Chapter 5 – _"It's better than nothing I suppose… some doors are open, others __closed."_

Goku was sat in his room, hunched up on his bed, alone. Sanzo had still been submerged under a mountain of covers after he and Gojyo returned from their eventful breakfast; even after four cups of Hakkai's amazing home made tea, he was still in no condition to move, let alone face the noise and jerky movements of an off road Jeep. Hakkai had therefore ordered one more night of rest before they left for the next town. Predictably, the monk refused to speak to Goku which ended up in a chance of sleeping arrangements; Hakkai was spending the night in Sanzo's room, while Gojyo kipped with him. Goku was uncertain about this, still feeling guilty and a little embarrassed about his actions at breakfast, weakly hoping that Gojyo hadn't taken it too seriously or jumped to conclusions about his feelings towards the blonde.

"_Although,"_ Goku thought, _"I guess when you think about it… it's pretty obvious... I've never really hidden how much I admire Sanzo or how much he means to me…or…how much I need him…" _

Goku shook his head violently. He didn't need those thoughts now, he needed to get some sleep so he could get up bright and early the next morning and avoid the wrath of the wake up fan. Changing for bed in half a second flat, he jumped under the covers and gathered them around him, snuggling into their comforting warmth… but nor nearly as comforting as his warmth… his light….

"NO!" Goku threw a pillow across the room with humongous force but, being a pillow, all it did was hit the opposite wall with a disappointing thump, and fall pathetically to the floor. He glared at the soft, white object, blaming _it_ for the way it had undermined his dramatic exclamation, and the injustice that he now had to go and pick it up. Swinging his legs off the bed, he stood and padded across the room. A light breeze ruffled his hair as he walked, a breeze that drifted in through the open window, a breeze that brought with it an eternally familiar scent…

"Marlborough red…" he smiled sadly, "…filtered."

Giving up his quest to retrieve the pillow he just flopped down to the floor next to it, leaning his head back against the wall, closing his eyes, and letting the tidal wave of thoughts and emotions that he had been pushing back, wash over him. The pain, the anguish, the terrible confusion of not knowing one way or another. These feelings weren't new, it wasn't just over recent months he'd received mixed messages from the monk, it had been happening for a long, long time, building up over the years becoming almost unbearable… but he would bare it. One way or another, even if it undid him completely, he would fight through it, because he couldn't risk losing his sun. Even though the sporadic, confusing, highly ambiguous moments of possible affection were massively outweighed by the constant, clear and certain moments of borderline hatred, it was still better than being alone… alone in the dark and the quiet… with no name to call…

Without realising it, Goku had gathered the pillow in his arms and hunched himself up against the wall, much like when he was hiding from the snow all those years ago. That event itself had been quite confusing. Sanzo had been cold and harsh, threatening to leave Goku behind and seeming not to care about his fear, but then again, his unfeeling actions had led to Goku overcoming his fear, making new memories and eating some delicious Sukiyaki. So had Sanzo been intentionally cruel? Or had he planned it out to help him indirectly? Goku took a deep sigh which only resulted in filling his over sensitive sense of smell with the scent of Marlborough cigarettes, a faint aroma of alcohol and an inkling of something that was purely Sanzo. It did not help his situation, not one bit. It released a train wreck of memories, bits and pieces thrown together from his life with the monk, Sanzo taking a beer then patting his head, scowling violet eyes turning away, the brightness of his hair shining like the sun, that infernal fan! Sanzo covered in blood, his robes stained red…

Goku sighed and leaned his head forward onto the pillow, letting the images run through his mind. Even though they were painful, even though he was confused, scared and hurt and even though Sanzo's actions were slowly tearing him apart…

Better this, than nothing.

Gojyo looked down at the sleeping boy, his back propped against the wall, head leaning forward into the pillow clutched in his arms.

"How can he sleep in the most uncomfortable positions?" the redhead mused to himself, shaking his head in slight disbelief before leaning down and pulling him up. Goku didn't stir as he was carried to the comfort of the nearest bed. Setting him down Gojyo manoeuvred him under the covers and tucked him in, feeling a sort of protectiveness he imagined someone would feel for a younger brother. The events that morning had reassured Gojyo that the delicacy of this situation was something that Hakkai should handle, but that didn't stop him from wanting to punch the monk in his droopy eyed face for what he was doing to Goku. Even while sleeping, the boy looked sad, nowhere near his usual blissful unconsciousness accompanied by a raucous symphony of snores. Sighing the redhead moved to his own bed, deciding that right now, sleep was probably the best idea. He got into bed and lay there; looking up at the cracks in the ceiling that he had observed the night before… wondering what was happening in the room next door.

* * *

**Will start working on the next one, will really try and update this one a liiiiittle faster ^^;;**


	6. Chapter 6

**Not only is it very late but it is also very short.... PLEASE DONT KILL ME!! *runs and hides from angry readers* you guys are great! Such loyal readers waiting so long for me to upload, I dont deserve you1 *bows repeatedly* thankyouthankyouthankyou!!! The shortness of this chapter is just due to it's plot relevance, it was always going to be a short chapter and if I tried to make it longer it would not really work and it would take me EVEN LONGER to update! **

**But! Enough excuses! Here is Chapter 6, as usual I disclaim everything, characters not mine etc etc, four chapters to go folks!!! **

* * *

Chapter 6

– _"but I cannot see you exposed to the horrors behind some of those" _

Hakkai had remained on the landing for a few minutes after Gojyo left for the room he was now sharing with Goku before turning and entering his own. The smell of cigarette smoke hit his sensitive nostrils cause him to wrinkle his nose. Despite having lived with a redheaded chimney of his own, he couldn't stand the smell of Sanzo's brand. Somehow Gojyo's high lites weren't so bad… in fact their smell was somehow… comforting. Shaking his head he moved towards the window, hoping to get some fresh air into the room to take the smell away. Upon reaching the window he found it already open with a small pile of ashes and smoky remains left upon the sill, from the looks of things, Sanzo had finished off his whole supply. Sighing, Hakkai pushed the window open wider and swept out the ashen pile, hoping that this would make some difference. If anything the smell got stronger. Resigning himself to the fact he wasn't going to win, Hakkai took a seat by the window and decided to wait until the room had aired a little before heading to bed. Sanzo was already asleep and as Hakkai glanced over to the gently moving pile of covers, he felt a shot of anger flash through him. Gojyo had told Hakkai what happened with Goku at breakfast, which had confirmed Hakkai's already well backed suspicions of the boy's feelings towards the monk. How could Sanzo let this happen? Even though Goku's feelings weren't caused through direct fault of the monk's, Sanzo wasn't helping matters; his actions were making things a hundred times worse. Hakkai knew heartbreak, and he couldn't bare to see Goku suffer it. Goku seemed to represent a childlike innocence, which their travelling group desperately needed; they experienced so much death, bloodshed, pain and suffering, that they needed to cling onto something to keep them together, to keep them in mind that there was still some good left in the world. If Goku fell into the same emotional snares they all had, the Sanzo Ikkou would be doomed. Hakkai wasn't sure what his personal connection to the young boy was, it wasn't a fatherly love, or a brotherly one, he didn't feel too much like he needed to protect the boy as he was certain Goku could manage on his own, the closest one could possibly get to how Hakkai felt was possibly something akin to motherly love… but even that wasn't quite right. He watched Sanzo's sleeping figure a little longer.

_Tomorrow, _he thought to himself, _I'll talk to Sanzo tomorrow. _

Hakkai shifted to look outside, but not really seeing anything. In his mind he was watching as the edges of those little memories tried to push their way in. This whole situation brought too many things to light that he would prefer left in the dark, long suppressed memories and newly formed doubts swirling around just beyond his conscious mind. He absentmindedly brought one hand up to touch the cold metal bands around his ear while the other rested on his abdomen.

_Kannan_.

They'd all lost so much. He didn't want to lose more now.

Shaking his head, Hakkai got up and shut the window. Whether the room had aired or he'd just gotten used to the smell of cigarettes he didn't know, but it didn't matter. He started to get ready for bed. _I should be grateful_ he thought quietly, looking back at the window,

"At least it's not raining."

* * *

**Hope you liked! (Told you it was short) Thanks for reading!!! *throws cookies to loyal readers* I love you all!**


End file.
